Finding Harmony in The December Holidays
They might have more in common than you think!
by Tuvya Zaretsky I November 22, 2024
When I was a child, come December, ours was the only house on the street that didn’t have Christmas lights.
Some neighbors once asked my father to put a tree in the yard. He agreed and put up a giant tree—with blue and white lights. How we clashed with all the green and red houses in the neighborhood! I was young, so I just thought my dad was asserting his independence. But over the years and in my studies, I’ve learned that the very different color schemes of Christmas and Hanukkah were actually intentional.
We don’t often think about when or how the traditional colors of the holidays originated. But a lot of American Christmas and Hanukkah traditions are a product of the 19th century. The growing cultural force of Christmas led the Jewish community to develop the minor holiday of Hanukkah into a major winter celebration with its own style and traditions.
Our culture has tried to set Jewish and Christian holidays at odds with each other. And at times, we have felt at odds with each other. As a Jewish-Gentile couple, you each bring your traditions and formative memories to the table. (Do you remember a house that clashed with the neighborhood too?)
Now that you’re together, it’s so important for both of you to feel seen—to know you have a place that’s not only safe but welcoming. Never is this truth more obvious than during the holidays, when you might feel like an outsider at your partner’s family celebration or place of worship. You might be wondering how to decorate your own home (or whether you can decorate at all). And if you have children, you’re definitely thinking about how to enculturate them.
And in years like this one (when Hanukkah begins on December 25), those questions seem to shout even louder! But you don’t have to let December’s cultural clash set the two of you at odds with each other. Sometimes, when we dig a little deeper into two seemingly different things, we can find similarities.
Let’s explore some unexpected commonalities between Christmas and Hanukkah.
Enjoying your holidays doesn’t have to be complicated.
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Lyrics and Songwriters
If you were raised Jewish, Adam Sandler’s “The Chanukah Song” or The Maccabeats’ “Candlelight” might make you feel at home. And if you grew up celebrating Christmas, the first strains of “Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire” might give you a case of nostalgia.
Music has a funny way of sticking in our memories—it can take us back to some of the earliest parts of our family stories. And when you hear December tunes, the two of you might be thinking, She’s got her holiday music and memories, and he’s got his. But if you look at the stories behind the music, you might be surprised at how many Jewish-Gentile connections you can find!
For example, did you know that most of the lyrics of Handel’s “Messiah” came from the Tanakh (Old Testament)? The song is replete with references to the Psalms and Isaiah. Interestingly, the lyrics were written before the music: Handel composed the tune to fit with words written by a friend.¹
It’s not surprising that a song called “Messiah,” with deeper spiritual meaning, would be largely inspired by Old Testament Scriptures. After all, most Christians recognize the Jewish foundations of their faith.
But I found it quite ironic when I discovered how many of the purely “cultural” Christmas songs were written by Jews! To name a few, “Let It Snow” by Sammy Cahn (a.k.a. Samuel Cohen); “Santa Baby” by Joan Javits and Phil Springer; and, yes, even “The Christmas Song” by Mel Torme.²
Hope and Light
That December from my childhood, I noticed how the clashing colors and lights on our block presented an eyesore. But looking back, I see that they provided something else. It’s an illustration: both holidays do involve color, and both holidays do involve light. I think there’s a deeper reason for the idea of light at this time of year.
Both Hanukkah (the victory of the Maccabees) and Christmas (the birth of Jesus) came at dark times in Israel’s history. Both came when the people needed light. I’m encouraged by a promise from Isaiah which points to that kind of hope, the hope that comes when we least expect it: “The people who walked in darkness have seen a great light” (v. 9:2, emphasis added).
For readers in Israel, the US, the UK, or other parts of the Northern Hemisphere, December comes at the darkest time of the year. Just as we turn on the lights indoors when it grows dark outside, maybe we hang lights this time of year for a more personal reason. Maybe we are longing for light, looking for hope.
After all, why do we hang decor if not to make a statement? Why would we invest in symbols unless those symbols mean something?
They Both Include Symbols
I met Sam and Carmen* when they were in the dating/exploring phase of their relationship. When the winter holidays came, Sam envisioned a hanukkiah in the window. Carmen brought home a figurine of a white angel as she imagined one might have looked when it greeted the baby in the manger. Carmen’s innocent desire to beautify their home for Christmas triggered Sam—he actually felt that his Jewish identity was threatened in that moment.
Sam and Carmen’s experience is more common than you might think. It seems irrational to get triggered by decorations, but symbols can carry a lot of very deep meaning that hits us on a subconscious level.
But let’s explore for a minute the idea of symbolism as it relates to both holidays. The fact is, both holidays do involve symbols—that’s a commonality! So, let’s dive into them briefly.
The hanukkiah is the central symbol of Hanukkah. It isn’t just a menorah. They’re similar, but a menorah holds seven candles; a hanukkiah holds nine for a reason. That story is too long to go into here (if you’re the Jewish partner, likely you know it; if you’re the Gentile partner, ask your loved one to share it with you!). But here’s a hint: the story speaks of Jewish survival. Let that sink in for a moment—the key symbol for Jews around the holiday season is a symbol that they lived when no one expected them to.
If you’re the Gentile partner, and you grew up celebrating Christmas, you’ve experienced symbolism around the holidays too. A nativity scene and an evergreen tree can represent the miraculous, like the hanukkiah does.
Holiday symbols can have many meanings. So, take a minute and ask your partner, What symbols around the holidays are most powerful for you? And what do they mean to you?
They Both Invite Community
If you watch a holiday movie, try an experiment. Count how many scenes are set like this: a perfectly decorated room, a cozy table, and a family gathered. We’re willing to bet that most of them do!
True, we may have just described what sounds like a Christmas movie (if you’d like to see more Hanukkah movies, talk to Hallmark about that!). But Hanukkah traditions elevate the idea of family too. After all, why else would you make latkes unless you want a crowd of people gathered at your stove?
Family harmony is one of the most idyllic goals of the holiday season, and if we’re being honest, it’s an ideal that most of us want. Maybe some years, we do have it (or glimpses of it); some years, it’s a bit more challenging to find.
For couples like Sam and Carmen, it might seem difficult to come together at this time of year. But peace at the family table is possible. You don’t have to choose which culture will dominate over the other.
Try this: choose one custom from each of your traditions that you can incorporate into your celebrations this year. And if you’re up for it, pick a new tradition that neither of you have done before! (This could be as simple as a holiday-themed recipe or game.) Make a note on the calendar of what you tried (or take lots of pictures) so you can remember how you celebrated together.
Both Have Been Covered Up by Commercialism
Imagine a Hanukkah or Christmas where you weren't able to buy your favorite holiday decorations or special recipe ingredients. What if you went to the store and they were all sold out? If you had no sufganiyot (for the Jewish partner) or a very bare Christmas tree (for the Gentile one) would you still find something to celebrate?
Symbols and traditions around the holidays will help you define your culture. And culture is part of the fabric of who you are—it always will be. But in the last few decades, I’ve seen more and more how modern commercialism seems to prey upon our cultural values. (The movie “Elf” from 2003 did a fun job of talking about this.) Sometimes, it seems like the things we buy around the holidays are inseparable from our culture; when really, who you are runs deeper than that.
Both Have a Story to Tell
The fact that Hanukkah and Christmas occur at the same time this year can provide an on-ramp for connection for Jewish-Gentile couples like you.
Look beyond the color clash and explore your respective traditions together. Talking about the symbols, trying old or new recipes, and even listening to songs about chestnuts—it can all be fun! And it can help you discover things you didn’t know the two of you had in common.
When you look into the deeper meanings in the stories of Hanukkah and Christmas, you’ll see hope, light, and themes of overcoming. What implications could that have for your family? Maybe exploring holiday stories can be part of the story that the two of you are now sharing.
And that story’s not over yet! In fact, if you’re a Jewish-Gentile couple starting to learn about one another’s values, your story is only just beginning. You are on a journey that may yet have surprises or gifts you didn’t expect.
If questions come up around the holidays for you as an interfaith couple, we’re here for you! Send us a message—we’d love to chat.
*Names changed for privacy.
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End Notes
Charles Morris, “Handel’s Messiah: Lyrics and Verse References,” Haven, November 20, 2020.
Maddy Albert, “11 Iconic Christmas Songs That Were Written By Jews,” Kveller, December 22, 2020.