Six Questions That Will Help You Plan Your Interfaith Wedding

marriage
Written By Rebekah Rood
Six Questions That Will Help You Plan Your Interfaith Wedding

You’re engaged? Mazel tov! Planning a wedding can be both exciting and incredibly stressful. And it presents a whole different level of challenge when the wedding will join two people from different religious and cultural backgrounds. As specialists who coach interfaith couples through milestones like these, we know about these challenges—and we know you’re going to be okay! 

Jewish-Gentile couples often experience as much side-eye from family or friends as they do encouragement. So, we’d like to share some of our collective wisdom in hopes that we might lend you confidence for a successful wedding. We want your day to be awesome and for the integration into each other’s families to be as seamless as possible. The six questions below will help you to have conversations ahead of time that will minimize drama on the big day.

  1. When are you getting married? What are the issues connected to the time of day, season, day of the week, or other cultural signals associated with timing? Those are important factors when you’re deciding when to get married! Jewish weddings typically don’t happen between Friday night and Saturday night (the Sabbath). Christian weddings typically don’t take place on Sundays. Getting married during Passover might make it complicated for guests who keep kosher (follow Jewish dietary laws) to celebrate with you. Getting married on Easter might make it super easy to find an available venue but could cause someone’s grandmother real grief. Find out what the religious “blackout dates” are for each of you, for your close family members, and for other important people. 

  2. Where will the ceremony take place? Figure out where you’re going to get married. Jewish weddings often take place outdoors or at non-religious venues. Christian weddings are often held in churches. While a church sanctuary might be a beautiful and obvious (or even inexpensive) wedding venue for one of you, being in a church building might be a distracting or uncomfortable environment for Jewish guests to be in. Outdoor weddings can be a great neutral environment and may even have more meaning for you both if it’s somewhere special to the two of you. Country clubs might seem like a neutral environment, but their exclusive membership rules historically barred Jewish people and people of color from admittance. Taking the time to consider making your guests feel at ease will take a lot of the pressure off of you and the wedding day itself. 

  3. What will be the religious or spiritual culture of the wedding ceremony? If your exposure to weddings is from pop culture or people from a similar background to your own, you might be surprised to know that all weddings are not the same. Some Jewish weddings have ceremonies even before the actual wedding to read and sign the ketubah (wedding contract) and to veil the bride (bedekken). A Jewish-style procession emphasizes the joining of families, and both the bride and the groom process into the ceremony. Christian weddings might involve different kinds of prayer, worship, or reading from the New Testament. So, is your day going to express both of your cultural identities as a hybrid experience? Or will it be a “one or the other” situation? 

  4. What are your “Sacred Cows”? What are the taboos or the deal breakers? For people from a Christian background (Catholic, Protestant, or even secular) it might be obvious that Jesus would be mentioned. But for people walking into a Jewish wedding, Jesus might be a shocking inclusion. Whichever decisions are made, be aware of where it might be problematic for family members and take steps to prepare people well for the experience they’re walking into. 

  5. Who will be your officiant? Who will you ask to perform the ceremony—a rabbi? A pastor? Another type of clergy? A justice of the peace? A friend who filed for a license on the Internet? Many religious professionals are not permitted to perform intermarriages. If they are technically allowed to, some will only agree to perform the wedding if both spouses agree to live and raise future children according to “their” particular brand of religion. Are you looking for a ceremony co-officiated by multiple people from different religious persuasions? This difficulty around finding the right person might be a source of unexpected tension ... so don’t leave it until the last minute. 

  6. How will you celebrate? One thing you can probably agree on is that the wedding should include food! Many religious and cultural traditions have dietary rules and restrictions. Kosher adherence varies widely among Jewish individuals. For some people, a vegetarian or fish option might suffice; for others, a kosher caterer will be required. Hindu relatives might have difficulty if beef (or any meat) is served. A meal is a great opportunity to extend hospitality and break bread together. Wherever it is possible to accommodate dietary needs, the thought goes a long way. 

You will also want to think about what you will be drinking (or not drinking). Wine is often seen as mandatory for Jewish celebrations, while some denominations of Christianity are totally dry. Other some traditions are comfortable with wine but not hard liquor. Have the conversation with your spouse-to-be and make a decision about the reception that fits your community best. 

Food and drink are often two of the most memorable parts of a wedding reception, but don’t forget to discuss cultural expectations around music, dancing, games, and more. 

Above all, try to make sure you both find enjoyment in the process of planning the wedding and on the actual day of your wedding! You might hit a snag or two, but what wedding doesn’t? Take the time to check in with your partner and ask how they’re handling the process. Planning your wedding is a great way to practice the communication skills you’ll need in marriage! And showing mutual respect for each other’s cultures is a loving way to point your marriage on a path towards spiritual harmony.

While these questions should get you off to a great start, you might also be facing challenges that feel impossible or questions that seem unanswerable. We want to support and help you celebrate the differences you and your partner bring to your relationship. Email us at info@jewishgentilecouples.com, or connect below. 

Want to talk about navigating your upcoming wedding?

Our coaches help interfaith couples like you with the tricky work of finding cultural and spiritual harmony. 

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Some Resources for Further Research and Reading: 

Rebekah Rood
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