A Friend to Lean On
For intermarried couples, your partner can also be an ally
by Jewish Gentile Couples I March 18, 2025
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity” (Proverbs 17:17). A spouse can wear many hats. One thing we are all hoping for in a partner is a friend who loves at all times.
And as the proverb says, “all times” does include times of adversity. We might not be thinking about adversity when we walk down the aisle; but adversity does come to every couple, and intermarried couples are no exception.
Perhaps the greatest form of adversity faced by the Jewish community, especially now, is the threat of antisemitism. October 7, 2023, was the deadliest day for Jewish people since the Holocaust. And we are still learning the ramifications of it.
One ramification is the effect that antisemitism is now having on Jewish-Gentile couples. Jewish partners are feeling vulnerable, and their Gentile spouses are trying to offer support while also coping with their own sense of vulnerability. One partner may have a unique history to draw from, while the other has committed to a journey of lifelong learning.
True friendship in times like these is no small gift. Here are three stories of couples who’ve offered support, encouragement, and hope to each other when they’ve needed it most.
Valeria and Sam Botbol
Their backstory:
Sam describes his upbringing as “a very full Jewish life.” He was educated at a Jewish school , and his family went to synagogue every morning. As an adult, he made aliyah (became a citizen of Israel) and served two years in the IDF (Israel Defense Forces).
Val was raised and educated in Costa Rica. Her parents taught her a lifestyle of believing in Jesus—and that lifestyle went hand in hand with serving others.
That’s actually how Sam and Val met: serving on a project together. They were both interpreters for UNICEF in Costa Rica and facilitated a dance program for youth. They got married in January 2023.
When they found out about October 7: They were still newlyweds when the attack happened. For Sam (as for most Jewish people), the attack in Israel wasn’t just one isolated event; it was part of an ongoing story of antisemitism. When the initial attack happened, Sam not only felt vulnerable. He was also triggered by renewed memories of times he’d been bullied as a youth simply for being Jewish.
Val wanted to comfort him but wasn’t sure how. She and Sam had recently read the account of Ezekiel in the Tanakh (the Old Testament). Val remembered some of the events in that book and realized: God kept His covenant with His people then, and He will keep His covenant now. That knowledge helped the two of them keep going.
Their unique challenge: Though Sam and Val both attended college in Costa Rica, their experiences were vastly different. Sam remembers being called a “treacherous Jew” by one of his professors (in front of his classmates). When he shared that memory with Val, she couldn’t believe it. She thought, “No, that cannot be possible because I studied there.”
After October 7 and the protests that ensued on college campuses, Val began to understand where Sam was coming from.
A moment of shared courage: When they were still dating, Sam wanted Val to be fully informed, so he said,
If you’re getting married into this, sadly, it might get to a point in which you will experience antisemitism. Things might get tough, and we might get to a point in life when they come for us as they did in Germany. And if that day ever comes, we’re going to Israel.
Sam’s staunch commitment to his people prompted Val to consider God’s commitment. The knowledge that the Jewish people are a covenant people has motivated Val to learn more.
So, she’s done something admirable: she’s committed to learn about Jewish history. Education is a slow, meaningful work, and Val has committed herself to a lifetime of it. And she says that everything she learns has helped her come alongside Sam as he processes current antisemitism.
How they’re moving forward: Sam and Val have continued their tradition of teaching and serving together. Last December, they helped facilitate a holiday dinner for intermarried couples like them. And more recently, they assisted with a presentation on how to thrive through life as an intercultural couple.
Their story: Persevering Through Rising Antisemitism
Teddy and D’vora Lema
Their backstory: Teddy and D’vora are both originally from Ethiopia, now living in Canada. She’s Jewish and Israeli; he comes from an Ethiopian Orthodox Christian background.
Having grown up in Israel, D’vora served in the IDF as a Hebrew instructor and a training officer. When she and Teddy were young marrieds, they visited Israel with their eight-month-old daughter. Teddy recalls running to the bomb shelter with their little girl when the air raid sirens would go off. That was an eye-opening moment for him; he experienced the kind of daily threat that Jewish people in that area have to live under.
When they found out about October 7: Saturday morning in Toronto, Canada was already Saturday night in Israel. When D’vora went to wake the children for the day, she saw news pouring in on her phone. At first she thought, “It’s one of the usual, like Qassam (missiles from Gaza).” But eventually, she and Teddy both realized that something much bigger had happened.
Since D’vora’s Israeli family keeps Shabbat, it took a while to connect with her siblings and parents and learn whether everyone was all right. When they did hear back, her family was safe but shaken by what had taken place just outside their doors.
For Teddy and D’vora, as for many Jewish families, Israel is not a concept; it is home. So when they saw the images and videos of the atrocities that took place on October 7, D’vora knew she had to go home and help.
Their unique challenge: Their children are openly Jewish, openly part of a minority. Teddy and D’vora have raised their children to be proud of who they are—which can have repercussions since they live in a neighborhood that’s predominantly Muslim.
Teddy recalls this interaction with one of their children:
My daughter would come home and tell me, “They are asking me, ‘Who do you support? Do you support Israel or Palestine?’” This conversation for a seven-year-old, especially when you are isolated and ten kids are asking you this question, can be very challenging.
A moment of shared courage: D’vora could not rest; she needed to go and do something for her people. Teddy encouraged D’vora to go, and she headed to Israel for a five-week trip. Prior to that, they talked and prayed together with their children as much as possible—hoping that the upheaval would not be too hard on them.
D’vora joined the Jews for Jesus team in Tel Aviv, where they packed many boxes of food for families who’d been displaced. They also visited soldiers who hadn’t seen their family in weeks, bringing coffee, conversation, and a morale boost.
How they’re moving forward: Back home in Toronto, they serve alongside one another. Teddy and D’vora reach out to other families who have recently immigrated from Israel, they help host special dinners for local intermarried couples, and they continue to teach their children together about both heritage and faith.
Rob and Elize Berman
Their backstory: Elize is a native Afrikaner. She grew up in a pro-Jewish family in an area where, sadly, being pro-Jewish was rare.
Rob was raised in a family with a combined heritage and combined religious traditions. When the two of them met, they discovered that Rob’s Messianic Jewish faith and Elize’s Gentile Christian faith had more in common than not.
A few days before their wedding, Elize gifted Rob a plaque with the words of Ruth on it: “For where you go, I will go, and where you lodge, I will lodge. Your people will be my people, and your God my God. Where you die, I will” (Ruth 1:16–17). It was her firm commitment, not only to Rob, but to his family and his people.
When they found out about October 7: Rob and Elize were at a cafe having breakfast when they saw the news from Israel on their phones. Immediately, concern for Rob’s family set in. Rob says that in that moment, he and Elize didn’t think of themselves as Jew and Gentile. There was a shared sense that whatever happened to Rob’s family in Israel happened to him and Elize too.
Their unique challenge: The Bermans barely had time to be grateful that their Israeli family was safe before they began fearing for their own safety. Almost immediately, demonstrations began exploding in the Jewish areas of South Africa, particularly in Johannesburg and Cape Town. In a brave show of solidarity, some of the Christian community came out to support Jews. There were scuffles and some injuries. Rob says,
It doesn’t help to ease the sense of vulnerability that we live in a country where our government (which formerly suffered under and fought against apartheid) is now hostile towards Israel. That support leaves us feeling very vulnerable indeed.
A moment of shared courage: A few months after October 7, Elize and Rob needed some work done on their home. When a contractor came to give a quote, he ended up being an obviously Muslim man. Elize says that he was very kind and respectful, but she had an unanticipated moment of fear when the man asked her to write down her surname.
In that moment, I felt so vulnerable because I have a Jewish surname. It hit me that the sheer fact that I had taken someone else’s surname now put me in the proverbial line of fire. It was the most unsettling feeling.
Needless to say, Elize’s Ruth-like courage has been tested. But moments like this have actually served to draw her and Rob closer together as they learn how to partner with each other in adversity.
How they’re moving forward:
On the first anniversary of October 7, Rob and Elize teamed up with some like-minded individuals to show love to the Jewish community. They partnered with two local churches to sit and write encouraging notes. Together, they ended up distributing 1200 cards in the Jewish area of Johannesburg. The cards contained personal messages of support, love and hope. Their team also sent encouraging Scriptures and complimentary “I love Israel” bracelets. It was one way of saying “We see you” to their Jewish neighbors.
Their story: Hope in Times of Cultural Crisis
A Safe Place
Antisemitism, to put it mildly, threatens Jewish-Gentile couples’ sense of security. And our response to it often feels reactionary—like a survival instinct kicking in.
But when couples can grapple with this threat together, solidarity becomes about more than survival. In each of these stories, the trust that spouses have in each other has become a safe place from which to reach out to their community. In other words, when intermarried partners show solidarity with each other, they’ve found a way to share light in the darkness.
As Martin Luther King Jr. famously said, “Darkness cannot drive out darkness: only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate: only love can do that.”
Sharing light in the darkness is not an easy thing to do. But being a friend to lean on is one small way to start.
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