The December Dilemma
For intermarried couples, there is a way through.
by Tuvya Zaretsky I December 19, 2024*
Ever hear the term “December dilemma”? It’s become a popular phrase for interfaith families who are trying to navigate Hanukkah, Christmas, or both. If this dilemma sounds familiar to you, you are part of a fast-growing demographic of modern American Jewish couples and families.
Today, Jewish-Gentile couples are a thing, and they make up close to half of all non-Orthodox affiliated American Jewry. That experience can be an interesting mashup, and it can also include cross-cultural tensions with your partner. You might feel like outsiders to your partner’s community or your own. Conversations can become conflicts when you’re looking at symbols that mean something different to each of you.
All of those feelings seem to come to the surface, especially if you have children in your family, during the winter holidays. It could be important to know that though you’re facing a dilemma, it’s not an uncommon one, and that there are solutions.
The New Jewish Family Pattern
It wasn’t until the 1990s that we noticed the Jewish intermarriage rate was skyrocketing.[1] I’m a researcher and a minister, so I studied the trend to better understand how to support those couples.
The rates only increased. The 2020 Pew Research on American Jewish people found that the rate of intermarriage during the previous decade was 61% (it was actually closer to 72% when the religiously affiliated Orthodox population, which rejects intermarriage, were not included in the statistic). If you are in that fast-growing part of the American Jewish population, you are part of a majority: a majority of people who are experiencing the December dilemma at the same time as you. And how do couples experience it?
All of us have a sense of the “right way” we think things ought to be done. Those ideas come from our formative years. If you and I were computers, culture would be the software by which we operate in life and family. So, when our operating systems collide with our partner’s, that’s culture clash. And it is an inherent feature of the new Jewish family pattern.
There are many resources out there to help resolve intercultural tensions between partners during the season of the December dilemma. Growing our understanding of our loved one’s culture can reduce the strains. So, where can we start to grow understanding?
Enjoying your holidays doesn’t have to be complicated.
to simple and memorable ways to celebrate the season together.
Community Responses
Today’s American Jewish leaders are divided about how to respond to the population of Jewish-Gentile couples. Though some intermarried couples may glean some support via their Jewish community, it can be difficult to find an egalitarian view of the spiritual traditions and cultures of both partners. Generally, rabbinic leaders have taken a limited approach towards the non-Jewish partner. If you ask a rabbi for advice about your interfaith relationship, they might respond in one of these ways:
Embrace the couple and help them to make Jew-ish choices for their family life.
Reconnect the Jewish partner to Judaism and give uncertain status to the Gentile partner.
Advocate conversion for the Gentile partner (which requires renunciation of all prior religious faith, including Jesus).
Ignore the Jews who have intermarried (in other words, treat them like apostates for marrying out).
Not all American-Christian church congregations have done well at gathering multicultural communities. So, inclusion of Jewish-Gentile couples may not be on their radar. While the Jewish community has been concerned that intermarriage is a threat to Jewish survival, no comparable alarm exists among church communities. A typical church response might include:
Sympathizing with the Christian partner while cautioning them against a romantic relationship with a non-Christian (for the sake of their own faith)
Encouraging Christians to bring non-Christian family members, including Jewish partners, to church services and events
Advocating for Jewish partners to consider their loved one’s faith prior to starting marital or premarital counseling
While we understand these approaches from both sides, none of them demonstrate an appreciation for cultural differences. The best practice is to embrace both partners, who may already be feeling like outsiders, especially when facing things like the December dilemma.
From the Outside Looking In
Many Jewish people feel marginalized during the Christmas season. If you’re the Jewish person in your relationship, unless you grew up in a largely Jewish neighborhood, you might know the feeling of being the only house on the street that lacks a Christmas tree.
But I’ve also observed that evangelical Christians can feel like outsiders among many of December’s celebrations. A holiday that’s deeply spiritual to them has been taken over by sugar, snow, and sensory overload.
It might not be possible (or desirable) to become totally in sync with the culture at large. But I’ve seen that it can be possible for Jewish-Gentile couples to build bridges in their homes.
I’m not intermarried myself (my wife and I are both Jewish), so in a sense, I’ve approached the December dilemma as an outside observer. It’s actually not a bad place to start! And it could be helpful for you too.
Thoughtful observation can lead to new connections with your partner.
Questions to Build Bridges
I conducted a study once to evaluate what Jewish-Gentile partners saw as their unique challenges. It surprised me to find that non-Jewish partners were often more interested in understanding Jewish things than their Jewish partners were in Christian partners’ symbols and beliefs.[2]
But a growth mindset for interfaith couples would involve both partners trying to appreciate each other’s differences. So, why not ask your partner some simple questions about their holiday?
The key is to ask for information without judgement. Hearing what matters to our significant others doesn’t necessitate agreement. You are simply learning and growing (and as a result, hopefully growing closer!).
So, here are some bridge-building questions you could discuss with your partner:
What is significant to you about having a fir (or pine) tree in the house?
Why do your parents eat latkes (potato pancakes) at this time of year?
Which Christmas songs hold meaning for you, and what do they mean?
Can you tell me more about the hanukkiah (Hanukkah menorah), the oil, and the story that both represent?
Who is Santa Claus anyway? (Spoiler alert: The historical figure, AKA “Saint Nicholas,” was a fourth century follower of Jesus from Myra, Turkey. The real man is a stark contrast to the Santa who is famously seen drinking a popular soda drink in a 1930s ad![3])
Who were the Maccabees and how are they thought of today?
If you have children, why not include them in the cross-cultural learning curve? Share with them the stories and traditions associated with your holidays.
You might read the account of the first Hanukkah in 1 and 2 Maccabees.[4] That survival story can teach children how God cares for Jewish people.
And for the Christmas story, you might read from Luke chapter 2, which tells about how God offered shalom (peace) to the whole world through one Jewish baby. That message can give children an awareness of God’s love for everyone.[5]
Finding Your Way Through
In asking questions and sharing stories like the ones above, the two of you might discover some non-negotiables.
When it comes to non-negotiables, everybody has them: from your rabbi to your pastor to the bubbe who taught you how to make latkes to the guy who sold you a Christmas tree. But what will matter in your relationship are your non-negotiables. Which hard line priorities are yours, and which are your partner’s? Which are shared? Can you talk about them together?
At Jewish Gentile Couples, we have a saying: “Spiritual harmony in your relationship is possible.” By advocating for “spiritual harmony,” we are saying that it is possible for intermarried couples to do things like pray together, parent successfully together, and even thrive through the month of December together.
We have many resources to offer, and we would also love to hear what your questions are. So, if you would like a safe space to discuss the December dilemma (or other dilemmas), send us a message. You aren’t outsiders to us! Happy Hanukkah and Merry Christmas!
Want to talk about the December dilemma?
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*Original article printed by Issues magazine in 2008.
Endnotes
See Berman Jewish DataBank for data from the 1971, 1990, and 2000 National Jewish Population Surveys.
Enoch Wan and Tuvya Zaretsky, Jewish-Gentile Couples: Trends, Challenges, and Hopes (Pasadena: William Carey Library, 2004), 72.
Emma Perley, host, WORLD Radio, “History Book: The man behind the myth of Santa Clause,” WORLD News Group, December 2, 2024, wng.org/podcasts/history-book-the-man-behind-the-myth-of-santa-claus-1733077027.
The books 1 and 2 Maccabees can be found in some Bibles, like the New Catholic Bible and the Jerusalem Bible.
See Isaiah 9:6 to read more.
