Raising Kids in an Interfaith Home
Rearing children is a difficult feat, and it can prove to be even more challenging in an interfaith household. Each parent may have unique hopes, dreams, and expectations for their children, whether or not they’ve vocalized it to their partner (or even recognized it themselves). When these deeply held cultural expectations surface, you and your partner may be in disagreement. We’ve found that discord over how to raise children is one of the biggest challenges that Jewish-Gentile couples face.
It’s understandably rough terrain to navigate. Some couples avoid the conversation altogether until (or sometimes long after) the children are born. Vocalizing your hopes for your future children in an interfaith relationship can seem dangerous—a sure-fire way to disturb the peace.
But once the children arrive, conversations around how to raise them are inevitable. We’ve found that Jewish-Gentile parents primarily wrestle with two questions. First, “What is our child’s identity?” and second, “Who will teach them—and how will we teach them to integrate our different heritages and values?”
Interfaith parents face difficult decisions: Should you raise your children in two different religious traditions, choose one faith, or present none at all? How will those decisions affect your children’s identity and future? How will your family, friends, or community react? Will you face backlash over your choices?
Many couples turn to family, friends, or elders in their communities for answers. Unfortunately, this doesn’t always help clear things up. After all, our trusted allies also carry their own deeply held cultural expectations. Family members or close friends may start vocalizing their own desires and create an atmosphere of competition over the identity of the children: “Don’t you want your daughter to be baptized?” “They should be reading from the Quran every day!” “My grandson will have a bar mitzvah, just like I did.”
Some family or friends may tense at the mention of religion altogether and advise against introducing any faith traditions at all to your children. Even the most well-meaning loved ones can unintentionally alienate a son or daughter-in-law by imposing their own expectations of what is best for children.
Although Jewish-Gentile relationships today are very common, that hasn’t long been the case. As recently as the 1970s, the intermarriage rate was below 13 percent. This means that if you are in a Jewish-Gentile relationship today, you may be navigating uncharted territory that your parents and grandparents never experienced.
Our mission is to help guide you through that territory. We can help you find solutions, including possible strategies for religious training for your children. We’re available to extend our support and expertise to your family as you grapple with the challenge of raising children with complex identities.
