Facing Antisemitism together
How Interfaith Couples Can Cope With vulnerability
by Jewish Gentile Couples I May 15, 2024
Rising incidents of antisemitism in the last six months are impacting how Jewish people live in the world. But this global problem doesn’t only affect the thought processes of Jewish people. Their spouses often feel the burden too.
So, if you’re in a Jewish-Gentile relationship, you and your partner likely feel the need to process things you’ve seen in the media and in your community.
But it’s not an easy topic to process. Right now, many American Jewish people are relaying to us how they grew up with the horrors of the Shoah (Holocaust) in their rearview mirror. Few imagined that the same horror show could be repeated today. In addition, the natural response when we feel vulnerable is to protect ourselves. To isolate, like a turtle pulling its head into its shell. That’s an understandable response to real or perceived danger.
It’s possible, however, that in the case of trauma or fear, the healthiest response is not to do what comes naturally but rather to choose an entirely different response. A turtle that keeps its head in its shell may feel “safe” momentarily, but staying there indefinitely will not lead to a healthy life! How much more will we humans suffer deprivation when we choose to isolate from each other?
Trauma specialist Bessel Van der Kolk puts it this way: “Being able to feel safe with other people is probably the single most important aspect of mental health; safe connections are fundamental to meaningful and satisfying lives.”¹
When we commit to loving another person and doing life with them, we’re saying we will be a safe connection for them through the good, the bad, and the vulnerable moments. In all climates, that looks like bearing our burdens together; in the current cultural climate, it might look more specifically like bearing the burden of antisemitism together. What are some practical ways that Jewish-Gentile couples can do that?
Talk as a Couple
Processing out loud with your partner may be a first step toward healthy connections. Having trouble starting this conversation? Try defining terms together. For instance, intermarried couples might talk about the survival instinct that is a significant part of Jewish identity. As a conversation starter, you could mull over this quote:
“The Jewish survival instinct is powerful and at times mysterious.… Perhaps the one thing that Jewish people can agree on when it comes to survival is our response to anything that is viewed as a threat to the existence of our people.”²
So, if you’re the Jewish partner in an interfaith relationship, how do you feel about Jewish survival? You may think that your partner will “never understand” these feelings. And it may be true that, through no fault of their own, they don’t share your cultural or historical background. But being united with you means that they are in a unique position to understand what at least one Jewish person is going through right now. And being real with your spouse not only can help them learn something new, it can also help you remember that you’re not alone.
If you’re the Gentile partner, recognize that your spouse is the expert on their own personal and family history. Be willing to listen with an open mind. In our work with Jewish-Gentile couples, we have met some partners who had a limited understanding of the suffering and prejudice the Jewish people have endured through the centuries. So, be willing to learn, not only from current events but from the past.
Also, tell your partner how current events are affecting you. You are affiliated with the Jewish people by your connection with your partner. Does that make you feel vulnerable now too? How have you communicated those feelings to your family and friends? Have you felt misunderstood in the current climate?
Burdens carried alone can alienate partners from each other. But burdens shared can bring the bearers closer than we thought possible.
Perhaps this Hebrew Scripture says it best: “Two are better than one.… For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow” (Ecclesiastes 4:9–10).
Seek Guidance from Trusted Spiritual Leaders
You and/or your partner may need to process individually with an outside person, or you may need to seek counsel together, or both. A third perspective on your relationship can help you each see the bigger picture and make it a little bit easier to hear what your partner is saying.
Be sure that the person from whom you seek counsel is wise enough to understand what you both are going through and that their values align with yours (or at least, that they respect and understand your values). Be sure that this is a person you can respect. Do you feel good about accepting their advice?
Also, a counselor or mentor needs to be a person with whom you feel safe. That sense of safety will make it easier for you to let your guard down and process your feelings. If your first attempt doesn’t feel like a good fit, know that it can take time to find the right person. Whether it’s a rabbi, a pastor, a priest, or a less formal mentor, be patient and willing to seek help even in seeking the right kind of help!
And know that we’re here for you. We have a trusted team of cross-cultural counselors who would love to talk with you, and we may also know of resources in your community. Contact us if you welcome that third voice in the discussion.
Join a Community Together
God never intended us to bear life’s burdens alone, but rather in community. As a couple, you’re better together, but you’re even better together if you’re together with a village!
A healthy “village” can look like a house of worship, a neighborhood, a gathering of extended family, or all of the above. It’s a group of people who can come alongside you when you’re sick, pray with you when you’re struggling, and offer you a shoulder to lean on so that you and your spouse aren’t trying to carry each other’s (and your own) burdens alone.
When it comes to carrying heavy burdens, we have always needed each other. One example of this is the story of Le Chambon. When Germany invaded France in 1940, this small French village made a decision: they would live by the words in the Christian Bible that exhorted them to love one another. Over the next four years, they “saved 3,500 Jews, joining together to conceal, rescue, and provide false documentation at their own peril.”³
Until recently, it’s been fairly common to look back on the Holocaust as something that happened long ago and far away. Yet for Jewish people today, it feels like the events in the rearview mirror are getting closer and closer. It’s no secret that acts of antisemitism are increasing at an alarming rate. And banding together with your village is about more than just safety in numbers; it’s about finding strength from our connections with one another.
And who knows but that doing life with a community may lead to some creative ideas for addressing antisemitism? One of our Jewish Gentile Couples team members experienced this when he sat down to brainstorm solutions with his local clergy. The result was a large-scale walk around the community to raise awareness about antisemitism. Jewish people and Christians held the event together as a public statement of solidarity.⁴
Moments like this help us to hope—harmony is possible. In fact, that kind of harmonious community seems to be a running theme in the Bible: “My dwelling place shall be with them, and I will be their God, and they shall be my people” (Ezekiel 37:27).
Remember the One Who Is Strong Enough to Bear Our Burdens
When we’re hurting, perhaps the most important message is this: you are not a burden, and if you’re feeling afraid (whether you’re Jewish or Gentile), your feelings are not a burden either. It’s a privilege for your loved ones to come alongside and truly see you.
At the same time, no matter how strong a person is, no matter how solid your family or how well-connected your village, all people fall short and make mistakes sometimes. We all experience tiredness or overwhelm, and no one human can be there for another human with perfect readiness and wisdom 24/7.
In those moments, it may be helpful to remember that God can empathize with you too. When we struggle over the pain of the Jewish people (or any people), we can know that He hurts along with those who are hurting. He has promised to be a safe place for His people.⁵
Being aligned with the Jewish people today can create a feeling of vulnerability that is too difficult to bear alone. Thankfully, God is well equipped to bear it for us and with us. We can read through the Scriptures and remember: “Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens” (Psalm 68:19).
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End Notes
Bessel Van der Kolk, The Body Keeps the Score (New York: Viking, 2015), Kindle.
Tuvya Zaretsky, He Said then She Said: Helping Jewish-Gentile Couples Find Spiritual Harmony (San Francisco: Jews for Jesus, 2016), 118.
Lea Lane, “Le Chambon, The French Village That Saved Thousands Of Jews, Gets A Gift Of Appreciation,” Forbes, February 2, 2021.
A. Friedman, personal communication, March 4, 2024
See Leviticus 26:11–13 for more on this.